Dear Blog,

I woke up very early this morning to get ready to school to meet Hadyu and before that, I took a stick of Cigarette at the staircase and inhaled it deeply to a point i felt very high and continued walking to school... Then, in the bus, Hadyu called me and asked about my whereabouts and i told him i was on the way and etc.. SO when i met him, we went to one block and lighted another stick.. I got a severe headache at that time.. After that, we went to school and we went to SHA's room... There, i could really feel my head spinning and i rushed to the toilet to throw out.. The feeling was sucky and I hate it.. Because of that, i felt very lousy even during my Chemistry exam.. After that, I went to Ms Kanni room and lied down there but my head was still spinning and it hurt alot.. I pushed myself but i could not take it and i rested in front of the General Office and Mr Lee saw and asked if i had enough rest.. I dun tink i had enough rest because i slept at 3a.m because i was studying for Chemistry and I was doing Diana's homework.. Then, I saw Diana and i gave her back her homework and books and she smiled to me.. I was too weak to smile back and i continued to walk to the hall... I was very elated when i saw her.. Is it because i love her? Or what? But i cannot do anything...

After exam, I started feeling grouchy and i changed after i went out to smoke before meeting SHA... After that, i decided to go home first to change clothes and so on.. After i came back, i got pissed off for i don't know why and started punching the walls until my knuckles hurt and are red.. It sure hurt, but i am just not sure why am i so furious.. What i know is just because i did not see her today which caused me to be frustrated.. Even now at home, i am still frustrated because I saw her being close with another guy... I just don't understand myself now as i tend to get hurt or irritated or frustrated very easily and i hate this side of me because its not the old me.. Is this because of jealousy or my relapse in smoking?? I really need help or advice now as i don't wanna injure myself anymore.. What people advice me was to study her but what's the purpose if she's already attached with another guy? But what makes me more puzzled is that, even when she's attached, she's very close with me and other guys... Is those status at Facebook a lie? Or is she cheating on the guy? Thinking of it just makes me more frustrated or furious.. I just wanna punch the walls more but i have no more energy!! FUCK IT MAN!! I AM JUST PISSED OFF AGAIN!!

This sudden change
I hate it
Its not me
Is it love?
Is it a lie?
FUCK MAN

SpadeTwElve

Labels: I don't understand myself

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Dear Blog,
Today is the first day for a new Term which brings me closer and closer to my O'Levels... I guess i am not fully prepared but I hope i will be prepared asap.. Today was also my Physics Mid Year which i think i will definitely fail because I lack in studying for Physics.. That is the bad side of today.. At the same time, There is a good side to today and its when i saw Diana at Recovery Room, and i decided to approach her... She gave me a sweet smile and i Smiled back and said Hi.. She continued smiling and commented on my Perfume scent.. She was the first girl who said my perfume smells nice and I was touched.. So, I decided to go and meet Ms Ang and asked for some tips and advice... So, she helped me and i managed to disturb Diana and it was really cool... I borrowed her calculator for Physics exam just now and she reluctantly gave it to me.. Then, We decided to go for a drink and so we went and i paid for it.. At the shop, I disturbed Diana until she stood up, went behind me and pinched my shoulders and it sure hurt, but its alright.. Then ms Ang Had to leave and so, I waited for Diana to finish her drink while me and Hilman had a mini chat.. Then, we were thinking of where to go and hence Diana said she wanted to sleep and i sent her home.. It was really wonderful and I have to do her homework for her and I was okay with it.. I guess she's better than other girls but only one thing is in the way... She's already attached, according to her facebook profile... Haiz... I dunnoe if its true but I will try my best to be better than her bf!

I am so gonna study hard for Chemistry and complete Diana's homework as i promised.. I will do it and i won't disappoint Ms Zaleha or anyone... I gotta do it and believe i can do it.. Can I also say that I love Diana or I still Love Izyan, or I Still love Roziana? Ergh... Its complicated but i can say that Diana is so far the best among the three.. If she's not attached, i will continue to make my move.. But if she is attached, i can't do anything.. Hmm.... Gotta find out the truth...

I will do well
I must do well
I love you

SpadeTwElve

Labels: Term 3

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Dear Blog,

Today was a tiring day plus ups and Downs... I went to Bedok Reservoir to watch Dragonboat between Mosques and I am proud to say that Darul Ghufran Mosque came in fifth.. Eventhough its not great, they were not disappointed as they cared more about the bonding and not the prize.. Congrats Fityan!! Then when i was by the reservoir alone, tears rolled down as i recalled what has happened to the girl i love... Suddenly she texted me, i was shocked and happy... But like i said, Happiness always ends with sadness... I was only happy for 3minutes as her last text to me was, kk Bye.. What was i supposed to say if you said that? I can't even do anything now... What i could think of now, is to slit or etc.. Like i said, you won't even care about what i do as whatever i do, will not be able to win you back.. Or should i give you time? But will you even bother to come back to me? I doubt it.. But i will be very happy if you would.. I still Love you Izyan Nur Khaliesah... I promise that i will wait for you until you finish what you want to achieve and i will welcome you with all my heart..

My O'Levels are drawing nearer.. Before that are my Prelims... I must do well so that i can use it to apply for DPA and secure a place in Singapore Poly in a full time Diploma on Information and Technology.. I am not getting my mind distracted or whatsoever but its just that I love her too much but i won't let this love conquer or take over my priorities in life at this moment.. Definitely Study is my top priority, but I tend to sidetrack which i feel its okay... I wanna play Rugby at the same time other sports and i am confused... I always tend to not able to concentrate on my daily routines when i am hurt... And definitely, the 3mins worth of happiness killed me! I wish to have the same old style of us communicating with each other, but i don't think it will ever happen again...

Izyan, I still love you
I want you with me
I will wait for you
I promise you my heart
i can keep trying, but if you don't,
I cannot do anything..

SpadeTwElve

Labels: I want you Izyan..

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Dear blog,

I have decided to update about some of the girls i have ever loved and maybe i still do love them, but its just that i have failed in winning their heart for a reason or another.. I guess, i will no longer take anymore girls from my school until i continue my next level of education as i guess now i realized that all this are just monkey love but its just that i can't get them out of my head and definitely not my heart... When i say i love you to a girl, i really mean it and not a piece of joke like what some of them think..

This is one of the girls i ever had a crush on... Her name is Roziana and things are over between us as it will not work out.. I still miss her though, but too bad its not fated.. I started developing feelings for her from the first time she joined NCC and its just a failure for me and i just hope she will enjoy her life together with the guy of her choice...

This is Izyan... She was the one who i felt had made me forget Roziana and she melted my heart long time ago, but its just that only recently then we talk and started contacting.. True enough, I failed again to win her heart, and her words to me were sharp and it hurts me badly.. Even a thousand words will not be able to explain the pain.. She wants to do well in her studies and i can't say anything and the worst thing is we broke off contact completely and it made me down completely... I just love her and I still Love her.. Izyan, I hope one day you will come back to me because I am useless without you.. I just love you.. I can't stop myself from liking you,or thinking about you.. You are the first thing that comes to my mind when i wake up and the last thing to slip off my mind before i sleep.. I am honest and i am willing to accept you for who you are because i know i love you Izyan Nur Khaliesah..

It just hurts to hear all this or experience all this, but its part and parcel of this relationship tingy and you cannot deny the fact that people do get hurt... You said i should listen to what people advice me about you... Do you think i am willing to sacrifice my love for you with just those words? I mean whatever i say Izyan.. I love you with all my heart, but its just sad that my love is just one sided without you acknowledging it.. Even if i cry a thousand tears, you might not even bother to come back.. But What i know is, I love you Izyan..

Its hurting me like crazy

I love you Izyan Nur Khaliesah

I hope you will return to me one day

SpadeTwElve

Labels: Past stories

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I give up on Secondary school love life.. I thought you were the perfect one and you were the one who made my heart move on, but it turns out that the light i thought i saw, had faded.. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to spend time with you, but your words shot me deep inside.. I admit you informed me earlier but i thought you would not do what you said, but i was wrong.. I still love you but you told me to move on but how to when my heart still beats your name? Its painful and i got to endure..

She seems so nice, and i admit she was nice but maybe we were not fated together... Why do i always fail in love when others are enjoying it... I am hurt,disappointed and my feelings are way beyond words.. Thanks once more..

He's hurt
He may cry a bucket full of tears
you won't come back
Goodbye

SpadeTwElve

Labels: Faded light

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When A guy cries because of a girl, Does it show he Loves her?

When A girl cries because of a guy, Does it mean she's hurt?

What can a guy do if a girl does not appreciate him?

Its useless isn't it?

SpadeTwElve Needs Answers

Labels: Unanswered

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I am havin so many things rushing through my minds... One of it is that i kinda miss my days in NCC and Rugby.. Seeing them having so much fun and the bonding they have makes me recall all those times.. I miss both CCA but i feel i am more close to the people in NCC than in Rugby.. But Rugby is my passion all along, But I am confused on which CCA to go to.. Because i plan to go for Cadet Officer Course, but I don't think i want to be stuck as a NCC for the rest of my education life because I wanna try out something new and do what i can.. So i am currently havin this mixed thoughts..

Secondly, I am very hesitant on whether I should go for DPA or JAE... I wanna go thru DPA but i am not sure if i can make it.. But nonetheless, Its no harm trying but because of the CCA i wanna join, It makes me think twice as I wanna go for DPA in Singapore Poly and Singapore Poly has both NCC and Rugby.. Hmm so tell me how people... Anyway, I am havin a crush once more on someone.. *winks*

Thirdly, I am kinda pissed off with one particular person who thinks that he is always right and is defending someone like i said in the earlier post.. He claims that Love last forever and friendship does.. Come on.. Do you really think you are going to Marry the person you know in Secondary school? Furthermore the girl is older than you and you guys are of different Religion and Race.. If you think you can handle it fine, I wash my hands.. Bear in mind that i am not talking to you because firstly i had enough of your arrogance and what not and I feel that you are just showing off.. You can be mad and etc, but i don't care.. You are making small problems bigger by ur ego.. Who's at the lost? You are.

Next, I am really not sure why I don't seem worried about my O'Levels drawing nearer.. Is it because i am complacent? Or is it that I don't care? I know i have to do well as i promised someone but i am afraid if i have to waste one more year and repeat which i don't want to.. Anyway, Father's Day is coming and its just making me feel awkward that I won't be celebrating it... Haiz... How i wish i would still have him.. But luckily, I have someone who is very kind,loving person who I call DAD but its not my real Dad or my step dad..

I miss my DAD

I want him here

He is the light

Can i enjoy life?

God, Pls help me in this

SpadeTwElve

Labels: I miss you Dad

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Hey readers.. I know i tried my best to make things up, but i cannot force people to forgive me nor talk to me after what has happened... What i could do is only pray to GOD and seek for his help in this tough situation that i am in as I am not suffering but its just unpleasant to see all this things go on.. Yes I admit that i once Loved you, But you can say that that feelings is long over as I find it useless to clap with one hand.. I tried all i could but i still failed, and i know i got to move on in life as you are just someone in my past and no longer in my priority list but nonetheless, you will be etched in my memory as someone sweet i used to know and Love. But even as i wish to have you in my life by my side, sharing part of my life journey, it can only be dreams and I am not sure if it will turn to reality one day.

O'Levels are drawing nearer and I always ask myself this particular question.. How prepared am I? Surely not fully prepared but I am really working hard during this holidays to make sure i do very well during Prelim and apply for DPA with my Prelim Results. I really hope that i will be able to do well and succeed in life and make my mum and everyone proud of me. It has always been a dream and i really hope this dream is a dream that will be reality.. It has to be reality.. All i need is the focus, momentum and constant reminder. I know I can do it..

Looking at people so happy together being in relationships, sometimes make me envy.. But all those are just temporary because I know that I need to Focus on my studies and the Real Roses will come after i get those good grades. Even my mum told me that I can start dating when I am in Poly as that is the most suitable time as by then I am gonna be on my own making my decisions in life as i am more matured to do the thinking and reflection and etc.. Only one thing which is my weakness or rather all guys weakness is the tears of the girl they love and they melt the instance the girl cry.. But seeing (R) cry, won't move my heart anymore as one time experience is enough for me to learn and stored in my memory the hurt, hatred, and painful experience you made me experience..

I am gonna be strong
I am moving on
You are just my painful past
You make my world in darkness
I tried but i failed
I learn

SpadeTwElve

Labels: It's useless

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Hey readers... Holidays are here but its like the normal school days.. I am definitely going to return to school nearly everyday to do up all the bridging so that i will be able to do well for my GCE O'Levels.. Yes i wanna do well and i Must Do well.. Anyways, over confidence is just what i have and i thought it was a good thing to have, but now i realized that it was not.. One Thing to prove it is my English marks, I was complacent and thought i could pass my English or rather Ace my English.. I was astonished when i received my marks and I got to really work hard for it now.. Or rather, i have to make sure i am fully prepared for every single subject..

Have you ever seen someone who is willing to defend a girl who he love and do whatever it takes even if he needs to beat up his best friend? Apparently, there are people in this world and i know this person too well.. He told his friends that he won't hurt his best friends and what not, but i guess Love is controlling him.. Well, I was even in Love with one girl who i shall not mention, but I dun push aside my friends just for Love. Your current girl who you have feelings for will not stick up for you when you are in need or trouble, but your friends will.. Correct me if i am wrong.. You still dare to give me a deep stare like a big gangster or someone unhappy with me when i stood up for my friend? What are you? An Idiot? I dun care if you are in love or you are angry, But I will do whatever i could to defend a friend than defend a GIRL who i love.. Its different if she's your wife. And You can get angry, i dun care.. But let me say this, i am not referring to anybody.. If you feel the pinch, too bad.. You hurt your friends and you put him under alot of stress.

Tak Guna ada mata,
Kalau tak boleh melihat,
Tak guna ada hati,
Kalau tak boleh menilai

SpadeTwElve

Labels: Open your Eyes

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